Jokes.com :)

1. A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
   
   "Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
   
   "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
2. A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
   
   The dad says, "No. You had your chance."
   
   A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
   
   The dad says, "No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I'll come up there and spank you."
   
   "Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?"
3. You're like school in the summertime -- no class.
4. Can I borrow your face for a few days?
   
   My ass is going on vacation.
5. I GOT A JOKE FOR YOU. LOOK IN THE MIRROR!! HA HA HA!!!
6. Tell me everything you know...I have a few seconds to waste.
7. You have so many gaps in your teeth, it looks like your tongue is in jail.
8. If someone ever says, “What are you staring at?”
   Say “I don't know, give me a minute.”
9. I'd like to see things from your perspective, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
10. Why don't you slip into something comfortable…like a coma.
11. "Hey, how's your face feeling?"
    "Fine. Why?"
    "Because it's killing me!"